Free Self-Treatment Guide & Book

Written by Matthew O’Malley

Bégaiement tentative inconsciente de lien de dépendance (Richard Parent)

Preface:  While this piece has broad existential implications, it is explained with focus on stuttering. There are explanations of concepts prior to their application to stuttering.  This piece will largely focus on “the self” and stuttering.  As “the self” has a role in some of the phenomena around stuttering, these concepts will be explored.  The implications are illuminating.

The self and its expression will be looked at through the lens of these known phenomena of stuttering:

1 – It is common for people who stutter to stutter on their own name.  For many, this is the word a person stutters on most often and the most severely.  A person’s name is deeply attached to the self.  This is what people call them.  This is what they call themselves.  This, in some ways, IS their “self”.

2 – It is common for people who stutter to stop stuttering when “playing a role”.  For example, many people who stutter do not stutter when they perform as an actor or an actress.  They don’t stutter if they dress up as a clown or simply pretend to be something that is not themselves.  This has clear implications regarding the self and stuttering.  When a person “in their minds” is no longer their own “self”, the stuttering often decreases or vanishes.

3 – It is common for people who stutter to stop stuttering when speaking in an accent.  This again is a way of being someone else.  When speaking in an accent, a person is not speaking in their own voice.  It is not their “self”.  This manner of speaking separates them from “self”.  The result is often less/no stuttering.

4 – It is common for people who stutter to speak fluently when speaking in unison with a group.  This phenomenon of stuttering is referred to as “choral speech” and stuttering.  When a person speaks in unison with other people (for example, in church or during a pledge to one’s country) their stuttering often disappears.  This again has significant ties to “the self”.  When a person who stutters is speaking in unison with others, it is not their own “self” speaking independently.  They are part of a larger group which is more than their individual self.

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We will now explore some concepts below and then return to the observations about stuttering and the self.

“The self” manifests and comes into existence in relationship

To exist is to manifest in relationship.

Nothing can manifest independently.  Manifestation of something requires something to manifest in.  A tree cannot exist without an environment to exist in.  There is no sun without the context of the universe for it to exist in; let alone a sunrise which cannot exist without an observer on a rotating sphere at a distance.  A hug cannot exist without two components; someone to give a hug and someone to receive it.  In large part, things only exist in how they are perceived and how they impact what is not them.  Things manifest in reality through how they impact the environment they exist within.

All things manifest and exist in the context of their interactions.  No one thing can exist independently in a vacuum of nothingness.  It needs a context to exist in and contrast off of.  Background requires foreground.  An object of focus requires both a focuser and a backdrop.  To be, requires something else to be.  To become real requires something to become real in.

Interaction is a pre-requisite for existence.

Interaction is where potential becomes existence.

Interaction is fundamental to existence and reality.

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The above is true not just of inanimate objects of course.  The above is true of “the self”.  The self comes into existence through relationship.  It cannot exist independently.  Like all things, “the self” can only exist in the context of its environment; in the context of non-self; in the context of others.  In order for self to exist, things that are not self must also exist.  Self must have a separateness from other things that exist.  Without this separateness, “self” ends nowhere and “non-self” begins nowhere.  To have a “self”, this separateness must exist.  Otherwise there is nothing for the self to exist in relation to.

As discussed, nothing can manifest in itself.  Manifestation requires interaction with something else.  If there is nothing to interact with, there is no manifestation as there is nothing to manifest in.  So not only does “self” require things that are not self to exist, but self can only manifest in things that are not self.

Much of this gets at decoding the deep struggle that is stuttering.  A person largely exists in how they manifest in others.  Interaction is existence.  It’s no wonder that a condition which can dramatically impact interaction with others can drain the energy out of life as interaction largely is life.  Life and existence basically are interaction.  So it only makes sense that a condition which affects how one interacts and manifests could drain one’s life force.

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While the above passages are effective at giving language to some of the depth of the struggle that stuttering can bring about, that’s not all it does.  This piece will be looking at the condition in light of some of this to further illuminate it.  Before diving more deeply, I would like to make some statements on the nature of self.

Statements on the nature of self

While manifestation of self requires interaction and we largely exist in the way in which we have manifested in non-self, we do have a nature/essence independent from interaction.  How something manifests is sometimes not reflective of its true nature nor essence (to the perceiving eye).  For a physical example, certain elements on the periodic table react powerfully and may de-stabilize other elements.  In this scenario this element has manifested in a powerfully de-stabilizing interaction with another element.   With this other element, this is how it has come into existence; through this powerfully destabilizing result.  An untrained eye might say “this element is destabilizing”; as though that is its entire nature or essence.  However that same element may manifest much differently with other elements.  It may form stabilizing bonds with many of the other elements.  There may be unknown elements it manifests differently with.  So while existence requires interaction and interaction is what allows manifestation, the resulting outcome of something’s interaction often does not paint the picture of its entire essence to an untrained eye.

While I used this example with elements on the periodic table, this is also the case when people or “the self” interacts.  When a person interacts, it is virtually impossible to manifest the entire essence of the self in an interaction.  People often shrink into social role (which I will touch on later) as opposed to the full self.  But my point here is that while a person may manifest a certain way from interaction to interaction, it often is not capturing their underlying full essence.  This again can be the brutality of the stuttering journey especially for those whose onset is in childhood.

The process of learning about the self is often through observation of how it manifests in others.  A self cannot directly see itself and make direct observations about itself.  It can only see how its environment is reacting to it and then infer things about its nature.  Negative interactions especially early in life often cause one to infer negative things about one’s self.  “There is something wrong with me.”  “I make people mad.”  “I’m not good enough.”  These can be statements made about one’s self that a person has concluded based on how they have observed their own manifestations in relationships.  As stuttering often has profound effects on interaction, this process can be brutal especially for a child as self-image is built through how one reflects in their environment.

Before going further, I want to more deeply touch on the essence of the self.  While people do often build their image of self through seeing how they reflect in environment, the conclusions drawn are often not in alignment with one’s true nature.

While manifestation requires interaction with something else, a conscious being has an essence; an underlying nature; a potential for infinite manifestations.  This underlying nature is independent from its manifesting outcomes.  There is an innate desire to manifest one’s true essence.  In order for it to become “fully real” however and collapse from a potential to a reality, it must interact and manifest “in reality”.  It must be seen or felt by something other than itself.  Without this it is still an essence; it is still a potential; not yet a manifested reality.  The unmanifested self desires that its true essence collapses from a field of potentials into a true self manifestation in reality.  This is when it, in a sense, becomes fully real.  Simply put, the true self yearns to become “real” by manifesting in relationship with non-self (others, the universe).

On a site I wrote for a number of years ago I explored the nature of the true self and asserted that it was infinite potential, beauty, and good.  Psychologist Alberto Villoldo Ph.D. wrote “The true self is infinite.  It knows no boundaries; pure essence; pure light; engulfing the mind, the soul, the body, the invisible real, with its radiance.”

In briefly making a point about this:  What happens when someone tells you that you are ugly or a bad person or that you can’t do something?  You likely feel conflict.  You may feel sadness or anger.  In addition, what happens if you yourself think you are ugly or someone tells you so?  You likely don’t like it.  It likely bothers you.  This is because it conflicts with what the truest self knows about itself.  The soul (you) knows it is infinitely beautiful, but when our minds carry thoughts or make observations that contradict this (such as “I am ugly”), it creates inner confusion or disharmony.  Your mind’s thoughts are saying you are ugly yet the soul knows otherwise (conflict = negative emotion).

On the contrary, what happens when someone tells you that you are beautiful or a good person or that you can do anything?  You likely experience peace, tranquility, contentedness, harmony, and energy.  In this case, the mind’s thoughts and what the soul already know about itself are in unison.  There is no disharmony because this is what you are.  In short, if you were ugly, bad, and worthless and someone told you so, it would not create inner conflict.

Stuttering Deep Dive

The above dove into “the self” and interaction and how these elements are fundamental to existence.  We will begin applying this more deeply to stuttering now that we have that backdrop.  We will also continue to dive more deeply into these topics and how they apply to stuttering.  We will soon look at how “the self” applies to the nature of stuttering and its phenomena.

In continuing, stuttering has many puzzling characteristics that seem contradictory.  This is true of most enigmas and is not exclusive to subjects such as stuttering.  For example, theoretical physicists have problems they can’t explain.  The facts they have recorded about reality and the universe don’t seem to make sense (certain observations contradict others).  Hypotheses which are put forth attempt to explain how these realities work together.  Einstein for example unified numerous observations about the universe that seemed contradictory.  Once viewed from the angle of this new paradigm, the universe’s functioning made more sense.  It’s as if reality is a magician with an incredible ability to convince the perceiving eye of illusion.  However, once its “trick” is revealed, observations that were once contradictory now work in perfect unison.

Unifying observations about the nature of stuttering should also be the approach to garnering a more truthful understanding of it.  One should look at its phenomena and find ways to unify them.

In getting back to “the self” and the phenomena of stuttering mentioned at the beginning, there seems to be a significant link.  In exploring this further, let’s review some of these phenomena/characteristics of stuttering again and how they link to “the self”.

1 – It is common for people who stutter to stutter on their own name.  For many, this is the word a person stutters on most often and the most severely.  A person’s name is deeply attached to the self.  This is what people call them.  This is what they call themselves.  This, in some ways, IS their “self”.

2 – It is common for people who stutter to stop stuttering when “playing a role”.  For example, many people who stutter do not stutter when they perform as an actor or an actress.  They don’t stutter if they dress up as a clown or simply pretend to be something that is not themselves.  This has clear implications regarding the self and stuttering.  When a person “in their minds” is no longer their own “self”, the stuttering often decreases or vanishes.

3 – It is common for people who stutter to stop stuttering when speaking in an accent.  This again is a way of being someone else.  When speaking in an accent, a person is not speaking in their own voice.  It is not their “self”.  This manner of speaking is not theirs and separates them from “self”.  The result is often less/no stuttering.

4 – It is common for people who stutter to stop stuttering when speaking in unison with a group.  This phenomenon of stuttering is referred to as “choral speech” and stuttering.  When a person speaks in unison with other people (for example, in church or during a pledge to one’s country) their stuttering often disappears.  This again has significant ties to “the self”.  When a person who stutters is speaking in unison with others, it is not their own “self” speaking independently.  They are part of a larger group which is more than their individual self.

In looking at these phenomena of stuttering, it appears that the removal of “the self” from the equation often decreases or eliminates stuttering.

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Now some may have counter-arguments such as “I stutter when I act! This is false.”  Well, things aren’t always so simple.  For me personally, even if I were “playing a role” on stage, I would still feel as though people were seeing my performance in this role as an expression of my “real self”.  As a result, stuttering may persist.  However, if I really became the character in my mind and not my “self”, stuttering would likely decrease or go away.  In addition, stuttering fluctuates from person to person and so does its triggers to an extent.  However, removal of “the self” seems to generally decrease or eliminate stuttering.

I’ll leave my response to counter-arguments there for now.

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Unimportant side-note: Before continuing, I’d like to state that as much as I enjoy playing detective on the mystery of stuttering, I am as passionate or more in terms of being a “seeker” in life.  By “seeker” I mean that I am enchanted by the mysteries of existence.  It’s fitting that my journey down the stuttering rabbit hole often brings these two realms together (stuttering & existential topics).  It’s as if the stuttering condition encapsulates so much of what makes us human.  Observing a stuttering behavior seems almost mundane.  It’s seems like it’s simply a person struggling to “get words out”.  However, in looking “under the hood” of a stuttering behavior, there is often much of the entire human condition that’s coming into play.  It is utterly fascinating! (Sorry, I just geeked out)

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While much of what I wrote above was existential, this next section will be more evolutionary and survival oriented.

As has been well documented, the human organism is the result of billions of years of evolution.  For an abundance of that evolution, species from which our evolutionary lineage branches from were non-social or minimally social.  However, in more recent evolution (relatively), relationships within species and social bonds/attachments have become profound survival needs (especially for the human).

This has created contradicting needs of the non-social-animal-within and the social-self.  The non-social animal is impulsive.  It feels what it feels.  It wants to do what it wants to do when it wants to do it.  Often times these desires and impulses correspond to many of its survival needs.  It wants to eat everything that tastes good without limit etc.  However, with the development of profound social needs within the human for survival, these impulses and desires must now be balanced with their social rewards and punishments.  This struggle between the social self and the non-social self encapsulates a good portion of the human condition.

In particular, when a human child is young and fragile, their very survival depends on their attachments.  A human baby will not survive in the wild if it does not powerfully attach to something that can provide for every need.  It’s as simple as that.  The human attachment need is profound.  As Dr. Gabor Maté articulately describes in the video below, the human is by far the most socially dependent species on the planet for the longest period of time.  This instills a profound and innate need within the human to form and keep attachments.

As attachment is the primary survival strategy for the child, they are attuned to what they need to do in order to keep their attachment with their caregiver.  This is why children are desperate for the approval of their parents.  It literally is wired into them that to maintain their attachment and be approved of is to keep them alive.

This need does compete with a desire to express the self without filter.  As children are learning to express themselves they are also learning how their environment reacts to their expressions.  They are learning how to balance these two powerful forces.  Some lean more towards keeping their attachments and suppressing how they feel.  Some lean more towards expressing how they feel at the risk of attachment.

Also as Maté points out in different words, life is a balance between expression and attachment.  A common human struggle is people suppressing their true selves in order to keep an attachment safe.

At the heart of the struggle of stuttering is a feeling that one is unable to manifest their authentic self.  This is the force that according both Maté and clear logic, competes with the survival need for attachment.  When a person who stutters deeply wants to express a part of themselves to someone (often times the more they want to the more they will stutter) this can trigger the stuttering mechanism.  The tug of war between the social self (limit expressions for attachments) and the non-social self (impulsive, uninhibited, express everything) is too illuminating to ignore in regards to the nature of stuttering.  It almost captures its essence.

In articulating this further, during a moment of stuttering there is often a strong desire for attachment which co-exists with a strong desire to manifest and express the self.  At times in life, these two desires (self-expression and attachment) are at odds with each other and must be balanced and managed.  However, this is not always the case.  Often times expressing the self and forming attachments work in unison.  For example, telling a funny story at work (expression) to the laughter of co-workers (strengthening attachment) is an example of when these two forces work in unison.  However the subconscious mind is powerful and still may implement a strategy of suppressing self-expression (through the stuttering mechanism) in an attempt at preserving attachment even when the conscious mind identifies that expression is a not a threat to attachment.  This of course is because, in order to secure attachments as a child, the child must suppress their own expression at times.  There is a constant balancing act of expressing the authentic self and keeping survival attachments.

One must ask the question as to whether the stuttering pattern is a physical manifestation of suppressing expression in an attempt to preserve or nurture survival attachments.  In this light, stuttering is actually an attempt at attachment.  While attachment may be the goal that is fueling the stuttering mechanism it often backfires (causes negative interactions).  However, this would explain why an increased desire to form a connection/attachment with someone can increase the likelihood of stuttering.  The desire to attach and connect may trigger the stuttering response as its origins are in keeping attachments by suppressing expression of self.  The strategy of suppression of self expression can be effective as a small child when attachment needs are at their peak.  A child may keep more quiet in order to nurture the attachment with a parent who is providing for every need.  However, when this unconscious suppression of expression through stuttering persists, it is often maladaptive.  Puberty likely marks a time when there is a dramatic shift in how dependent one is on their attachments for survival.  The need to express one’s self and be assertive is beginning to outweigh survival based attachment needs.  This can be a difficult time for parents because their children don’t seem to value their relationship as strongly as they once did.  This is because from an evolutionary perspective they can now fend for themselves.  However at this time if stuttering persists, it can be mal-adaptive in achieving the species specific survival goals which now require more assertion and expression of self.  It is now quite important to have independence and to be able to assert one’s self as opposed to suppress for attachment.

This does not mean that parenting style necessarily brings about stuttering.  It is a pre-requisite for existence in society and in any kind of community that one suppresses certain feelings and behaviors.  No parenting style can change this.  It is just a fact of life that a child cannot always throw a tantrum for hours nor express other emotions at all times in an unfiltered way.  It is just a fact of life that a parent will have to socialize their child in some way which requires some suppression.

However, it is quite plausible that this intersection between the non-social animal and the social animal and having to balance expression with attachment is one centerpiece to the manifestation of stuttering.  As we know there are also genetic predispositions to stuttering (not the same as pre-determination).  So a conflict between keeping attachments and expressing one’s self authentically with a higher propensity of manifesting speech movement inhibition (stuttering) are plausibly key cogs in onset and persistence.

While it is impossible to socialize a child without teaching them some self-inhibition and suppression, that’s not to say that varying environments are not more likely to bring stuttering out.  An environment in which this attachment vs. expression dynamic is more strained may increase the likelihood of stuttering manifestation.

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In quickly shifting back to the more existential thinking, to communicate requires an unconscious admission of separateness from the communicative partner.  If there was no separation between “you”/”the self” and the communicative partner, there would be no need for a communicative act.  The very act of communicating implies separation and to be separate from an attachment that one’s survival depends on has an implied and inherent risk.  This can be a source for the suppression of one’s expression.

In addition, speech intelligibility (how understood someone’s speech is) is not 100% as children are developing language.  When parents misunderstand or misinterpret a communicative act, this again implies that the child is separate from their survival based attachment.

In closing this section and in looking at the above phenomena of stuttering involving “the self”, this vantage point that stuttering can function as an attempt at attachment is supported.  Let’s look at the previously listed phenomena in light of these vantage points.

1 – As stated, many people who stutter do so most often and most severely on their names.  When one is saying their name, they are declaring independence of self.  It implies a declaration of a separate and independent self.  It implies an “I” and not a “we”.  A suppression of this expression could be utilized through the inhibition of speech movement (stuttering) to preserve non-separateness/attachment.  (I’m not saying there aren’t other reasons why names may bring about more stuttering, but the rationale just shared has some credence when viewed in light of how it can explain the other stuttering phenomena involving the self)

2 – As stated, stuttering is known to decrease or vanish when a person plays an actor or actress or any role that is not themselves.  When one is playing an actor, they are no longer expressing their “self”.  As a result expression it is not threatening their attachments and the stuttering mechanism lays dormant.  In being free from their real “self” they become free from the attachments of that self.  In adopting a persona that is not their “self”, there is no longer an unconscious need to suppress expression for the sake of attachment.  The result is less/no stuttering.

3 – As stated, when a person who stutters speaks in an accent, stuttering often decreases or goes away.  When someone is speaking in an accent they are again playing someone other than their “self”.  Again, the stuttering mechanism lays more dormant as a result. In adopting a speech pattern that is not their own; a speech pattern that is foreign; they again are no longer their real “self”.  As a result they are free from needing to suppress the expression of self for survival attachment.  The result is less/no stuttering.

4 – As stated when a person speaks in unison with others, their stuttering vanishes.  This is known as choral speech.  It is extremely common for a person who stutters to become fluent in this scenario.  In light of the above information, this is because the act of speaking in this situation is not an expression of “self”.  On the contrary it is an expression of attachment as the person who stutters is speaking in unison with everyone around them. As a result of the fact that speaking in this scenario implies unity and attachment, the stuttering mechanism has no need to crop up.  The result of course is less/no stuttering.

Wrapping up with some past pieces & research

In 2016, I wrote a piece on how stuttering’s nature and human connection were deeply intertwined.   In taking that further, in 2017 I wrote a piece on how this human connection piece could bring about speech movement inhibition (stuttering).

Looking at some research

I am fond of Dr. Nicole Neef’s research on stuttering at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive & Brain Sciences in Leipzig, Germany.  Ironically, a short while after I wrote my piece on how stuttering was a speech movement inhibition condition, a study was published using brain imaging to demonstrate that areas responsible for movement inhibition become active during moments of stuttering (Neef, Anwandar, Bütfering, Schmidt-Somoa, Friederici, Paulus, & Somer, 2017).  In an article in Science Daily titled “Stuttering: Stop Signals in the Brain Disturb Speech Flow”, Neef states, “Parts of the right inferior frontal gyrus (IFG) are particularly active when we stop actions, such as hand or speech movements…If this region is overactive, it hinders other brain areas that are involved in the initiation and termination of movements. In people who stutter, the brain regions that are responsible for speech movements are particularly affected.” (2017)

As asked above, is this speech inhibition response triggered as an uninformed subconscious attempt at survival attachment?  There certainly is a compelling line of logic to support it.

Making this practical for people who stutter:

It may be helpful to un-link any unconscious notion that expression and attachment are competing forces.  Doing work on the unconscious mind through varying modalities (CBT, affirmations, positive expressive experiences, visualizations, etc.) to instill a deep belief that expression and self-assertion are safe and beneficial may be helpful.  In addition viewing stuttering through the lens of a childhood attachment mechanism that is no longer needed may allow the assertive adult more speech flow.

Some more important concepts I didn’t tie in:

It was quite difficult to capture everything that needed to be captured in this piece.  I did my best to lay out some of the important components.  I will briefly cover a few more applicable concepts in this section.

When a person who stutters attempts expression, they often experience a negative outcome due to stuttering.  The unconscious mind may link this expressive attempt with this negative outcome furthering the inner conflict between a desire to express the self and a need to suppress expression for attachment.  This very conflict is what may underlie aspects of the nature of stuttering and with attempts at expression being further punished by stuttering (the very thing being implemented to preserve attachments) this cycle only worsens.

Ironically, these competing forces between the social self and the non-social self are actually what create a strong need to express.  It is a catch twenty-two as one must suppress to keep attachments.  However, this very dynamic that causes suppression of self also creates pent up emotions that require expression.

All trauma is social and relational.  Trauma exists due to the dynamic between the social self and the non-social self.  A non-social animal does not experience “trauma”.

To communicate requires an unconscious admission of separateness from the communicative partner.  If there was no separation between “you” or “the self” and the communicative partner, there would be no need for a communicative act.  The very act of communicating implies separation and to be separate from an attachment that one’s survival depends on has implied and inherent risk.  This can be a source for the suppression of one’s expression.

Existence requires interaction.  Interaction requires relationship but interaction also implies separateness.

To manifest the entire self in an interaction is virtually impossible.  The human assumes different roles which can express and manifest different aspects of themselves; sometimes accurately and sometimes not.  Assuming a role requires the shrinking of the full self.  When entering a social situation one assumes a role which requires shrinking.  People are different people to different people.  They play different roles.  It can be frustrating to always be shrunk into role; to be seen not fully.  This shrinking of self into role when others enter the environment is illuminating regarding stuttering fluctuation.  Establishing a relationship with a higher power or God can be quite transformative as you can feel fully seen and understood.

People need solitude as they get tired from shrinking into social role.

Stuttering and social role have significant ties.  The whole self is beyond role.  A false self image that one’s whole self is a social role may contribute to stuttering.  In addition, a frustration with constricting one’s whole authentic self to social role can also contribute to stuttering.  Having one’s whole self go unseen and unmanifested due to perceptual limitations of interactive partners and social role can be traumatic.  This inability to become fully seen and inability to manifest the whole self can also contribute to stuttering as no communicative act nor social role can accomplish this goal.

The reason others’ opinions of us feel so important is that the self only exists in the context of others.  The self is only able to come into existence in the presence of non-self.  This is why one can’t just shake off how they manifest or “not care” what others think.  How we manifest cuts to the core of existence.

To a large extent we literally are what we are in relationship to all things with which we have relationship.  How we feel is determined by this.  If we feel our life has a purpose, this is about relationship to life.  In feeling life needs us and we are important to it, this impacts how we feel.  If people need us or our work is important to them, this is about how we are manifesting in relationship.  All actions and feelings about self are about our relationship towards things that are not self.  Relationship is largely existence itself.

Works cited

Nicole E Neef, Alfred Anwander, Christoph Bütfering, Carsten Schmidt-Samoa, Angela D Friederici, Walter Paulus, Martin Sommer, Structural connectivity of right frontal hyperactive areas scales with stuttering severity, Brain, Volume 141, Issue 1, January 2018, Pages 191–204, https://doi.org/10.1093/brain/awx316

Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences. (2017, December 12). Stuttering: Stop signals in the brain disturb speech flow. ScienceDaily. Retrieved December 14, 2019 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/12/171212125426.htm